maybe i'll blog today

I think I have a love/whatever relationship with this blog. I've seriously been back and forth over it many times over the past several months. There was a period of about a month or two when I had decided I was finished with it. I wasn't in the mood to share anything and I was struggling with visiting other blogs. I felt guilty for posting and getting responses from you all and me not returning the favor. I just didn't have the energy to do both.

My life has been turned upside down this past year and it's hard getting back on track. Sure, I have the desire to create, take photos, edit them and then share them but the motivation to do so is severely lacking.

One thing that's keeping me from doing what I enjoy is the fact that I've been accused of very hurtful things. I've been struggling greatly with doing anything in fear of being called a "copycat" or that I've taken someone else's idea(s) and failed to give credit and basically omitted the fact that it was someone elses idea and passed the work on as my own. I hate, absolutely hate that I've been accused of this because it simply is NOT true. I gain inspiration from others, which is basically why craft blogs exist, and I've always, ALWAYS, given credit back. Besides that, I've never been able to defend myself or "clear my name". I was simply disregarded and thrown off to the side next to the garbage. It was like, "Hey, you're doing this and I don't like it so I want nothing to do with you anymore. I won't let you say otherwise and I couldn't care less how much this hurts you so goodbye and have a good life."

WHO does that?

I'll be honest. I'm a very and I mean very, sensitive person. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and they can get easily crushed if I'm not careful. I'm human just like the next person, so for someone to ignore the large plank in their own eye and point out the so-called speck in mine is such a shame. I haven't had closure on this subject and I think that's why it still hurts after over a year.

So, what was once a fun and exciting place for me (my blog and blogland in general) has turned into an anxiety ridden place where I'm afraid to do anything. There have been times when I honestly had a certain idea, mine or not, and waited to post about it and then literally see it on other blogs. Not that that's a problem in and of itself but now I couldn't post about it because I'd be seen as a "copycat" or just stealing an idea. Can I tell you how frustrating that is? Can't people just share ideas or interests? Why does it have to be one person doing something and the other person maliciously "copying" them? Seriously, it's just so stinking petty and ridiculous and I'm mad at myself for letting this eat at me for so long.

When I was first accused, I desperately wanted to know what I had done. I worried and worried about what it was that I had "copied" and not given credit for. But I was never given a reason or situation. Just a plan ole "You're copying me so so long." Since then I've racked my brain and the only things I can think of would be things that each of us shared but that we both came up with on own very own. It's completely possible for two (or three or four) different people to have the same concept or idea and it be their own and not copied from the other. But I guess some people don't think that. If they have an idea, it's got to be theirs and theirs alone. So sad.

So that's partly the reason for my long blog absences. That and losing my mom has been a major blog downer that I can't seem to shake. I miss my blog dearly but I can't get myself to "make up" with it. It is a relationship you know! :)

I'm not looking for "haters" or anything, I just needed to get this stuff off my chest. Holding it in has been so crazy hurtful and at some point it just needed to break free. I just want closure and a chance to defend myself. Chances are, I most likely won't get that opportunity but at least I know and the Lord knows what's true. He knows my heart and He's been there since the very beginning of this whole mess and someday, someday soon hopefully, this will all just be a silly memory and I can move on with a smile knowing I did the right thing. I was never mean or hurtful back and I know the Lord is proud of me for that.