i just don't care

That's basically where I've been lately.

I don't care about blogging, I don't care to read blogs, I don't care to craft, I don't care to bake.

I just don't care.

And the funny this is....I don't care that I don't care.

I mean at times, I do. Especially when it comes to making things and being creative. Fall is fast approaching and every year since getting married, I've always decorated. Last year I got all my fall stuff out early and had everything out by the first week of September. It felt good to get it done and out of the way but it was also nice to have it up longer before all the Christmas stuff comes out. But this year....I just don't care. I mean, of course I'll decorate but I'm not looking forward to it. That makes me sad and care.

Life has been ultra to the max crazy lately and I'm sure all of that has something to do with it but I'd really like to get back to my old self...and soon.

My mom is still in the hospital and hasn't woken up since her surgery July 1st. She's opened her eyes some but she isn't tracking anything. She'll be moved to a nursing/rehab home sometime soon but we're just not sure when yet. That in itself is very stressful and we're all just not sure where to go from here. We know mom wouldn't want to live this way, as a vegetable, but it's so hard to make decisions that involve living or dying.

This Thursday I'll be 12 weeks along in my pregnancy and I have my very first OB appointment tomorrow afternoon. I've been suffering from some major anxiety for the past few weeks and it's been exhausting. My medication that I've been taking for many years simply stopped doing it's job and it became the source of my new anxiety. I was prescribed a new medication but I'm just too scared to take it right now. I want to make sure it's completely safe for the baby and I'm just not sure it is.

My new job at the preschool is going well and so far I'm enjoying it. The only thing that's making it difficult is my anxiety. Some days are just so hard to drag myself out of bed. Getting in the shower is a chore and actually showing up is even harder. I hate being this way. I feel like a mental patient and like a crazy person. Like I can't deal with life. It's awful.

I heard recently on The Nate Berkus Show that the state of a persons home shows where they are emotionally. Well anyone who knows me could walk into my house and immediately know something just isn't right. My floors go days without vacuuming, sweeping, moping. My kitchen has dishes piled in the sink and anything and everything clutters the counter tops. If I'm lucky and have actually done a load of laundry, it sits in the dryer or laundry basket for days before even a thought comes up to actually fold them and put them away.

I just don't care.

Only the really important things get attention, like Ben, Evan, bills, food. But that's just not enough. I need everything to work properly again and I'm just waiting for that day to arrive. I was proud of myself last night when I finally unloaded the dishwasher and then loaded it back up. Then I vacuumed the house, swept and mopped the kitchen floor and actually thought of folding that pesky laundry calling my name. Unfortunately it didn't win but I'm hopeful I'll get it done this evening.

I apologize that this is such a downer of a post but this is just where I am right now. I guess you could say I just don't care. So there. (na na na na na nahhhhh!) Okay, that did feel a little better.